I am testing a thing. Go ahead and ignore the thing. It is only a test.

Yesterday was my birthday, which naturally I spent in bed. YOU tell me how cheerful and motivated you feel when a) you’ve just had to put down your second-favorite cat and b) in order to do so you had to use all of the money you were saving for your birthday celebration.*

HOWEVER, awful though yesterday was (and it was pretty awful, what with the depression and the frustrated loved ones and the donut shop which OF COURSE ran out of donuts like 5 minutes before I got there) it wasn’t my worst birthday ever. Vying for Worst Birthday Ever:

1) The party I threw when I was 14 at which no one showed up except our neighbor who was spending the night anyway

and

2) The year I spent all my money and vacation time on a hotel in Seattle for me and my long-distance boyfriend and watched every single passenger on his flight debark before realizing he HADN’T SHOWED. Apparently he’d missed his flight because he hadn’t been paying attention to the time. He didn’t bother to call me and tell me this before I’d made the TWO HOUR BUS RIDE from Bellingham to Seattle because he thought he could just DRIVE REALLY FAST. His roommate said he’d be on the next flight, probably, so I had no choice but to sit in the airport all day. Also when he did finally arrive he told me he was sleeping with someone else.**

So COMPARATIVELY yesterday was fine. I may have spent the day crying and wishing I’d never been born, but no one cheated on me or forgot me entirely! So that’s a win.

*And of course feeling shitty about the fact that you’re even THINKING such a thing, when OBVIOUSLY the whole “compassionately ending a beloved pet’s life” is WAY more important than someone’s STUPID BIRTHDAY.

**His birthday was the day after mine, so instead of dumping him on his ass and spending the remainder of my hard-earned vacation time touring Seattle on my own and eating room service, I wept until exactly midnight and then pretended it hadn’t happened so he could have a good birthday. I…don’t know, either.

Apparently this April is the third-wettest in Portland history. Delightful! If by ‘delightful’ you mean ‘soul-crushingly awful and also kind of cold.’

I like the rain. I have always liked the rain. It’s soothing, and makes the air smell lovely, and all the colors look richer afterward.

But seriously, Portland: IT IS APRIL. ENOUGH WITH THE WATERWORKS.

March, man. March is brutal. For one thing: the weather. Last year at this time it was temperate and beautiful. Sandals were worn. Skirts.

This year? Rain and more rain, with high temperatures barely cracking 50 degrees.

So maybe I can blame the weather for the fact that I am totally lagging on my second Health Month.

Don’t let the points fool you: I’ve healed myself twice (and Not So was kind enough to heal me once as well) so technically I should be barely scraping by at around 5 points.

Surprisingly, it’s the little things that are catching me out – flossing, for example. Some nights it’s just too much, you know? Cooking dinner four nights a week – well, some weeks we’re doing a lot more takeout than others, is all I’m saying. (It’s a good thing I don’t have a ‘clean the house’ rule, too. Seriously.)

I’m not as motivated this month as I was last month and it shows. Shockingly, being sick for three weeks (and then having a sick kid) kind of takes it out of you! Not to mention the fact that we’re doing a huge lifestyle restructure, which is good – very good – but not unstressful.

There are a few things lurking on the plus side, though. Sugar, for example. Sticking to the three-days-a-week rule this month? A breeze.

And since I’ve been forcing myself to floss (almost) every night, my gums have been a lot happier. It’s like every dentist I’ve ever had knew what they were talking about! Crazy.

Maybe the trick is to not load up on rules. Incremental changes are the way to go. I’ll keep that in mind for next month, when I – oh, who am I kidding? I’m going to do what I always do: vastly over-estimate the amount of time and motivation I possess and then feel horrid when I don’t accomplish everything on my list.

Join me next month! It’ll be like a slow-mo train wreck. You know you want to.

ASK ME HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN SICK. Go ahead. Ask.

THREE WEEKS.

…And counting. (I know this because I was juuuust coming down with a funny little cough when I started Health Month on the 1st. Ha ha, I thought, how funny that I should have a cough that coincides with starting Health Month! It has only gone downhill from there.)

Despite the fact that I have allergies and asthma and migraines and ovarian cysts and – need I go on? I’m almost never sick with a cold or flu for very long. I know, it’s ridiculous, but there you go. My immune system is mighty, as long as it is not confronted with pollen or tree mold.

Ever since the kid started preschool I’ve been catching more colds/flus/whatever – because, let’s face it, small children are disease factories – but I still usually only sit around feeling miserable and snuffly for a couple of days before I’m up and about again.

NOT SO THIS TIME.

This time, I’ve been so tired I can barely get out of bed, coughing so much my ribs hurt, and having to suck on my inhaler two or three times a day just so I can breathe. This time, my lungs make noises typically reserved for malfunctioning engines. This time, every time I start to think I’m getting better has ushered in YET ANOTHER round of the sort of coughing that has strangers asking me (from a safe distance) if I’m going to be all right. So this has been…interesting, if by interesting you mean purgatorial and annoying and vaguely infuriating.

I am getting better, of course – the rocky Kathleen Turner voice has been replaced by my normal valley-girl chirp, and the cold air from the snowpocalypse-that-wasn’t didn’t make me feel like I was trying to breathe underwater. SO. YAY.

But I will still be VERY glad when I can make it through a whole day without needing a nap.

You know what’s more satisfying than shouting at your laptop while Private Practice plays on Hulu? Venting about the ridiculous characterizations on the internet.
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The entire concept behind Health Month is pretty excellent: make changes to your patterns and habits by making it into a game. You get to set rules and then win points every day for following them. You earn fruit, and if your Life Points get too low, you can replenish them (or someone else’s) by using your fruit. And then at the end of the month, if you’ve followed all your rules, you get a FourSquare badge.

I probably don’t have to tell you how intensely I covet the FourSquare badge.

Health Month was created by Buster Benson, the same guy behind the fantastic 750 Words, a site that encourages daily writing by creating challenges and giving badges as rewards. Health Month is a similar setup, only with lots more options. You can totally customize your goals – anything from “Sleep More” to “Exercise Daily” to “Avoid High Fructose Corn Syrup.” There’s even a wheel you can spin to add to the random aspect: sometimes you get extra points, but occasionally you lose points. It’s all part of the fun!

Since I’m just starting out, this month’s rules are pretty basic: take a multivitamin every day (easy) and only allow myself added sugar 3 days per week (…not so easy). The idea is to make incremental changes rather than major lifestyle overhauls.

And, two weeks in, it seems to be working. Despite the fact that I crave cake like no one’s business, I am kicking ass at Health Month.

That said, next month I plan to really bump it up. It should be pretty fun to watch, so if you have any interest in making any changes to your habits or diet or whatever, you should sign up for next month too! Make sure you add me as a friend so we can keep track of each other’s progress, or throw fruit at each other, or whatever.